Papa: What am I supposed to do with the "reindeer food" you made at school today?
Me: You're supposed to leave it out for the reindeer.
Papa: The reindeer?
Me: Yeah, the reindeer.
Even though they have been saying it for as long as I can remember, I know better. My parents keep saying annoying things like: "Brush your teeth" or "Wash your hands after you poop" or "You know, Santa's not real..." I mean, seriously, it's quite obvious. I see the man everywhere, and each year he hands me a present! It doesn't get more real than that, people!
Yeah, and let's just take for example all the stuff we see on TV. Are you going to tell me that isn't real either? I mean, we see in The Santa Clause how Santa is just some guy in the wrong place at the wrong time who put on the suit and starts to grow white hair all over his face at an alarmingly abnormal rate. The adults are all too busy with stupid jobs and whatever to notice what's going on. But it's obvious that the man is living amongst us. I mean, his lists are FedEx'ed to his townhouse for Christ's sake!
Or in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer how everyone tries to keep Rudolph from playing in all the reindeer games just because he looks different. Only when Rudolph has something of value to offer Santa is he seen as something that can contribute to society. I mean, every day this shit goes on in our world and too many people are treated poorly just because they look different. Yeah...discrimination is real. And so is Santa.
Or at the Twins Club party, where Santa always shows up to hand out presents. My parents say stuff like "We gave the present to 'Santa' to give to you." I mean, what the hell is that all about? Huh! Trying to take credit for something that someone else does? Didn't their parents teach them that lying is bad? (Yeah, I'm talking to you Grandma, Grandpa, and Grandmama!) I get put in time-out if I try that shit. I swear, they are so grumpy and annoying.
I don't mind, really, if they keep saying annoying stuff like "Santa's not real, but some people like to believe in it and that's OK." It's their way of coping with some deep-seated childhood disappointment that has now manifested itself into this compulsive lying paranoia. I'll let it slide because I know better. As long as the jolly red man keeps handing me the loot, and I keep seeing him in every Wal-Mart and Sears, and every other normal adult asks me what I want from Santa, and we make reindeer food in a school-sanctioned activity, and NORAD tracks his progress on the radar on Christmas Eve via Google Earth, then I'll continue to believe.
I mean, it's not like there is some world-wide conspiracy to fool children. Yeah, that's not real.
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