Party Poopers

Normally, at this time of year, I am freaking out. By now, I am usually immersed in the deep and dark chaos also known as birthday party planning. This will be the third year we've had a birthday party for the kids (we didn't get into parties until they turned four), and while I am still a considerable newbie in all things party, I actually have been very casual about it this year.

I asked the kids recently what they would want to do for their birthday, and they really weren't any help. I told them that I didn't want to do the Explorium again, while it is has been fun we have done it the last two years. We needed something different.

I also was looking for an alternative to the local bounce houses and Chuck E Cheese-style places. The bounce places are fun, but they are expensive and we are all bounced out. Chuck E. Cheese is just so crowded and over-stimulating. Surely there are other options?

When I ruled out bowling and gymnastics, and couldn't think of anything else, the kids came back and said, sort of sighing and full of resolve: "Mommy, we can have our party at the Explorium." I knew they couldn't think of anything either and thought they might as well have it there again.

But no! I would not give up. Super fun, non-bouncy, non-cheesy party we would have! Some Google browsing, some deep contemplation, and some random happenstance led me to this:


The Mad Potter! They have parties there, and all the kids get to paint pottery, which the store will fire and then the kids can pick it up later. We took the kids over there to check it out, and they loved the idea. So artsy. So creative. So quiet. Perfect!

Oh, but that's only the beginning of this story. After picking The Mad Potter, we had people to invite. The kids each picked a few friends - friends from their old day care and friends from their new school. We had a good list going and invitations were set.

I told the kids to take the invitations they had for their school friends to school and give them out. When I picked them up that afternoon, they told me their teacher said they could not hand out the invitations.

Uh, what?

Yes, that's right. Seems there is some "policy" that Fayette County Public Schools (FCPS) has about handing out party invitations. What is that policy, you may ask? Well, it's that kids can't hand out party invitations.

Ok, but seriously. After discussing it with friends on Facebook and them emailing the Principal, I found out it is has to do with the fact that the kids can't hand out invitations to just some friends. The whole class has to be invited, or it has to be handled "outside of school."

Oh wait, it gets even weirder and even more asinine. So I explained to the Principal that there was just no way I could invite 27 kids to a birthday party, and there was also no other way I could contact these kids except through the class. I don't know these kids. I don't know their parents. These are my kids' friends. How else was I supposed to let them know they were invited? The Principal was very nice about it and sent back a reply saying she would work on a possible solution the next day. Awesome, right? I even offered to hand out "friendship" cards to all the students in the class, and just those we wanted to invite would have the added message about the party. Everyone would be "included."

So when the Principal contacted me back about the matter, however, she was anything but helpful. She shot down the idea of the friendship cards, saying that it still violated the policy, and then she cited the school policy, after pointing out that it was in the Parent Handbook, and I should have gotten the Handbook, but if I didn't she could send me one.

And shall I quote the line from the policy:

Exchanging birthday party invitations is not appropriate at school as they can get lost and cause hurt feelings with other students. (emphasis mine)

I don't see how handing out friendship cards to everyone would cause hurt feelings. Explain that one to me, please. The Principal then offered to call each of the parents and ask them if they would let her give me their mailing address.

Is this not the most ridiculous thing you have heard of? Inviting all the kids in their class is the solution to avoiding hurt feelings? What? First of all, there is this thing call Life. We can't protect our kids from getting their feelings hurt. I think Damon sums it up nicely when he says, in a non-profane way:

Welcome to the world. Kids being mean to you is something that you HAVE to experience because it teaches you how to deal with mean people later in life (oh, and there will be many of them out there)... I know they want to boost everyone’s self esteem by including them, but forced inclusion is even worse. If a kid knows he is only invited because everyone is, he will still feel excluded even though he gets to eat cake and ice cream.

And, of course, not being invited to a birthday party isn't exactly even mean. What kid expects to be invited to every birthday party? I know my kids don't, and I don't think that's too far off the norm. And, let me just say, as a parent, I would not expect nor would I want my kids to be invited to 27 other birthday parties. It dilutes the whole idea of best friends and makes birthday parties less special and more of a chore.

It seems this policy, with the goal of trying to be inclusive and prevent hurt feelings, has the very effect of making the child who wants to share his/her birthday with friends be non-inclusive and leads to disappointed and hurt feelings, both on the part of the birthday child, and all his/her true friends that really wanted to go to the party. This policy is essentially telling my children: "You can't like some friends more than others. You can't have best friends. You can't do something that's important to you unless you bring along all those other people who you really don't give a crap about, and frankly, don't give a crap about you either." Awesome life lesson, FCPS! (And yes, I know you are reading this because it came through your Google Alert.)

And I know I am not the only parent who thinks this is ridiculous. And consider this, if my kids had just moved to town and started at this school , or didn't have any friends from daycare or the neighborhood, we WOULD NOT be having a party, because who the heck could we invite? Have I said yet how ridiculous this is???????

[Can I also interject a valid and most relevant comment from Damon about how ridiculous this is when at the same time we get lots of stuff sent home unsolicited that we don’t want, but we get anyway. But that’s OK because everyone gets it! So we can’t give a couple friends of theirs invitations, but we can sure get endless sales pitches for buying crap and freaking advertisements for churches. They say “we are not endorsing any of these” but anyone can send some shit like that home as long as everyone gets one. So...sending friendship cards to everyone is against policy while all these solicitations are OK? WTH?]

So where does this most ridiculous, back-asswards policy leave us? Well, I am very tempted to take the Principal up on her "offer" (which I'm sure is more of a bluff) to get me the contact information for all 27 of their classmates, and then proceed to tell each one about this policy and how stupid it is, and then still only invite the kids we originally wanted to.

But no, I will not stoop to this misguided policy and invite everyone. Instead this will be what some people call a "teachable moment" where I will explain to the kids that sometimes there are rules that are outside of your control or influence, that you have to follow, even though they are unfair, unfortunate, and counter-productive. My kids are turning 6, but they are not too young to understand what's going on. Kind of ironic, huh?

Fortunately, we have been able to put together a nice little party with the kids' out-of-school friends, but this has left a black mark on the school for me. There is one positive side to all of this, and that is the strong possibility that this won't be an issue for us next year.

Wait? Huh? What was that?

Oh, that's for another post.