No warning

It's official. My kids are all grown-up.

Since the advancement of time is faster than I can keep up (which explains my incredibly youthful appearance), the daycare has been given the task of informing me that I actually have 4-year-olds - NOT three-year-olds. Clearly I was not aware of this.

Yeah, yeah, I know they had their birthday back in March, but that day came and went and we continued happily living in our 3-year-old bubble.

But now, consider that bubble popped.

The daycare has officially decided that our four-year-olds should actually move up into the four-year-old class, cleverly named: "The 4's".

The change isn't that dramatic really - not as dramatic as the shock to my system with the provided knowledge that not only do I not have babies anymore, we are long past even considering them toddlers. They are now officially kids. Fortunately though, they should remain in their current "kid" classification for 8 or 9 more years - until they become teenagers. That should be just enough time for me to get my affairs in order before I pre-admit myself into the local hospital's Got Teenagers? Your Babies Don't Love You Anymore counseling program.

But despite my obliviousness to what has been going on behind my back, I suppose there have always been clues that the kids are growing up. My son keeps saying "When I'm 10, I can use a knife at dinner" and he keeps walking up to me to "measure" himself, saying "I've got a little bit more to go" (is that a short joke?).


And my daughter, who at the ripe old age of four knows that changes are a comin', sums it up best when she says "When I grow up I'll have boobies and eat spicy food."


I only wish that I could have recognized the signs sooner, if nothing than to take drastic measures to stop it. But alas, I have kept in the dark. What's a mother to do?

Surviving the wild

Thankfully, the young, but experienced, Sherpas provide the necessary guidance to locate the nearest public menagerie.
Armed with "bi-oculars" and certified water-protection systems, the dual reconnoiters ponder for a moment the current state of the hydrolic cycle and its present deleterious effects.

With the male clearly more willing to provide bipedal self-ambulation, the female allows her paternal retinue to offer his charioteer services.

Using his mirror-symmetrical telescopes, the witting academic minor makes an up-close observation, discovering not one but two Equus quagga.

In a triumphant attempt, the accomplished Numero Diciotto sizes up his own wingspan to one of the many wooden Aves on display.

The sinister predator stealthily watches her prey, hoping that the surrounding camouflage will disguise her calculated attack.

The Green Monster, also known lovingly as "Boy", leads his progenitor down the winding path, leading him around the dangerous and misplaced perennial wooden plant ahead.

In need of additional guidance through the tumultuous deciduous jungle, the long-haired maiden offers her services to the one known only as "Papa".

The blue-capped one, known often for declaring (prematurely) his post-adolescent status, displays the common sign of true male maturity.

The feral childer gather around their kin, expressing exuberance at the opportunity to offer the amicable hand slap also known as "giving five" as is so common their custom.

Sensing that the on-duty guards are lacking in their traditional observation techniques, the wild beasts separate from the pack like ants running from a flood.

With a sense of duty, the Grand Pre-Teen stands heroically while those around him try to capture the essence of this delightful moment.

Crouching nearby, the Grand Pre-Teen is once again forced to submit in the partakings of the moment, as more evidence is gathered for the day's expedition.

The wild beasts are tamed momentarily as they find themselves somehow (but not permanently) attached to a bird-shadow form that many often refer to as "big."

The Grand Pre-Teen finds himself once again posing momentarily with the younger cherubs in what can be only a truly humiliating experience for all.

In a brief display of uncommon glee, the whippersnappers transform into miniature, but seemingly well-skilled, wranglers as they ride the tamed beasts present solely to serve the whims of their riders.

Using his carefully selected Pink Brush, the baseball-soccer-boy attempts to tame the savage animal suitably monikered Brownie.

The Goat Whisperer soothes her captor with unmatched skill and technique that can be surpassed by no other that wield The Brush.

A carefully worded sign warns all in its presence to the dangers at bay. Consider yourself warned if you bear animals, bottles, or loose stools. However, assistance is available to those in need of counsel.

Montezuma's Revenge

The day started early...

The drive was entertaining...

The rides were thrilling...

The pizza was yummy...

The cake was excellent...

The love was shared...

The train was packed...

The kids were playful...

The planes went high...

Ditto...

The swings were fun...

The go-carts were fast...

The jerks were bumping...

The party was fun...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOMINICK!

This is your warning

Dear Ms. Orsetti,

Due to your known association with Ms. Decker and her "blog", we have expanded our concerns to those she has an influence on concerning child-rearing abilities. As you know, Ms. Decker (The Instigator) has recently been put on probation due to her Parenting Errors (PEs). She is known to have several violations under review and our concern today is that, by reading her blog, you are becoming susceptible to the same said errors.

Specifically, we have recently observed the following:

1. While you turned the kids' light off in their room, you used the wall switch and not the ceiling fan switch. This egregious error allowed your children to turn on the light and rearrange their bedding, keeping them up until the error was noticed at 10:00pm! Were you a better mother, you would have a) not used the wall switch, and b) been actually aware of what your children were doing. We understand you have a "monitor" but obviously you are too busy drinking wine and watching 30 Rock to actually listen to it.

2. While in an attempt to protect your son's mattress from the occasional "accident," you used a pink towel. Your son is a boy. He does not do pink. While you thought you could get away with it, you were rightly called on it and forced to replace the towel with a more appropriate color. You must consider the ramifications of your carelessness, lest you have a son damaged forever. We note that you have ordered waterproof mattress covers for your children's beds, but you have received an email from Walmart indicating that they are awaiting pick-up at the Site-To-Store department. Having to "pick up stuff from your old house" is NOT a reasonable excuse for this delay.

3. While in an attempt to pursue your own life satisfactions with gainful employment, your attempts to recently drop off your children at their "daycare" are a prime example of why we are contacting you in the first place. If your son or daughter cries for you as you leave, we find that they are clearly incapable of coping without you. We have observed your attempts to redirect them with breakfast, coloring, and hugs from their sibling, but we feel that a more appropriate response would be to a) spend the next 2 hours with them until they are completely calmed down, or b) quit your job so they will never cry for you again.

While we are building up your case file with additional PEs, we wanted to contact you to let you know that you are officially now under surveillance, and if you do not improve immediately you will also face probation and a no-contact order with The Instigator. We are aware of arrangements that are in the works for you and The Instigator to enjoy a holiday weekend together. Our recommendation is for you to suspend your arrangements until we contact you again - for the safety of all children involved.

Sincerely,
Fanny F. Flawless
1 Utopian Way
Lexington, KY
(satellite office)

Finding my sanity...or losing it. I just don't know.

Like all good mothers do, I've been trying to find productive, useful skills in an effort to maintain my sanity from over-exposure to little Miss "I must whine about every. little. thing. that I can think of" and young Sir "Why why why why why why why why why why".

Yes, I love my children, but all kids have their annoyances, and mine came hard-wired with "How to get on Mommy's nerves when she's trying to drive, eat, talk, clean, unpack, cook, pee, walk, sleep, and shower." I know. It's hard to believe. My loving, sweet children, who keep saying to me "Mommy, I love you so much!" can sometimes, on occasion, every now and then, irritate me.

To abate this state of irritation, I occasionally turn to the one comfort I know in this world who can get me through it all.

Bejeweled Blitz.


Oh yes. Make no mistake: this has gotten serious. Bejeweled, I mean. Not the kids. The kids are no more annoying than they ever have been. (I mean, seriously, how can they possibly be more annoying?)

So often when the kids are going to bed, in between calls about "my nose hurts" "I need my other baby/puppy/blanket" "I have to go potty - again" and "why do dinosaurs leave footprints" I have been trying to escape the craziness and focus on a fantastic 1-minute round of Bejeweled.

I've never been into computer games, or rather "games", but Damon got me hooked and while I secretly think that one day I can beat Damon's (or Paul's) score (okaaayyy, you can stop laughing!), I trod along, mostly getting 15,000 or 35,000 points in a minute-long game. Piddlins compared to Damon's frequent 150,000.

So I've gone down the road, enduring intense training. Wax on. Wax off. Game after game, trying to beef up my skills. Every now and The Master would walk by, stand for a minute, and say something encouraging, like "Watching you play Bejeweled is like watching someone retarded play Jeopardy." I'm not really sure what that means, but I know it's Damon's sweet way of helping me feel better about myself. (I love you, too, Damon!)

Now as I try to bring up my scores, playing game after game, displaying the battle scars from where the edge of the desk cuts into the soft underside of my arm, I wonder if truly the game is rigged and whether The Master will be found guilty by a jury of his peers for his outright cheating. Seriously, people, there is just NO way you can get 175,000. I wonder if they allow visitors where he is going.

But the deep, comforting Bejeweled voice, saying "Go!" and "Excellent" in a voice that I'm sure must be God's, keeps me from wondering about my husband's blatant trickery and whether it will impact BOTH of our credit scores. As I play, I try to figure out what are the best strategies for the game. Like when you have the opportunity to move your gem to make a vertical row of three or a horizontal row of three, which is the better move? And there is all this controversy of when to play your shiny gem (earned by getting 5 in a row). Play it right away, or wait? I once lost the 5-er when I waited and then got a pulsing gem (earned from getting 4 in a row) that blew up other gems - including my 5-er! All those points lost! So now I play Mr. 5-er Shiny Gem as soon as he greats me. But other strategies - I just don't know. Should I try to set up the game to earn as many 4s and 5s, or play as fast as I can while mostly getting 3s but earning 2xs, 3xs, and 4xs? Not having these answers is probably why I continue to remain mostly in the 25,000-50,000 range, with the occasional 85,000 or so. (And that only happens every fifty games or so.)

In fact, here are my current stats:
157 "25,000" medals (250 gets me GOLD, baby!)
30 "50,000" medals
8 "75,000 medals"
1 "100,000" medals

If you look at The Master's stats:
562 "25,000" medals (GOLD)
334 "50,000" medals (also GOLD)
179 "75,000 medals"
59 "100,000" medals
21 "125,000" medals
7 "150,000" medals
1 "175,000" medals

Now realize that if you ever get below 25,000, your stats are not recorded. But just looking at the available data, The Master has played at least 1,163 games. At one minute per game, that's 19.38 hours. I've only put in 196 "recorded" games, which is about 3.25 hours. Perhaps I need to play more. Perhaps The Master needs to play less.

But it was a surprising night last night. The kids were up to their usual antics at the bewitching hour, and I looked for solace in my Beloved Bejeweled. Suddenly, without even knowing it, the crickets stopped chirping, the wind stopped blowing, the earth stopped spinning, and the coveted Purple Medal appeared on my screen.


"101,400".

Lets all savor that for a minute.

Ok. Now I know that it's still not better than The Master. I'll keep working my way up. I probably will never get so high as He has, but I need my sanity. And if I ever do beat Him, then I know: it's time to try out for Jeopardy.

As per your request

Joslyne was complaining about the high amount of sweetness and love on the blog lately, so here goes….

We’ll start with a dose of snark to our dear complainer herself. Hi, Jos, how ya doin? You seem to be an intelligent, creative, independent, feminist-type person, right? Then why do I see those horrid Twilight books on your book list thingy on facebook? Really? Twilight? I would be horrified to see Adelaide reading that, and I’m sure you would be horrified if you saw Zoiey (I’m hedging my bets on the spelling) reading it. Yeah, I know, you are reading it knowing full well it is crappy and anti-everything positive for females, but it is for fun and is a guilty pleasure. Sure. Maybe I expected more out of you? Yeah, sure, I haven’t read them, but read through this synopsis and tell me it isn’t dead-on. Go ahead, I’ll wait…. You back? Oh, really, they nailed it? The additional links after the article were spot-on as well? At least admit Bella Swan is one of the most ridiculous names ever.

And my dear Kestian, I appreciate how you like to contribute to ideas about where things should go in the house, but no we will be rejecting both of your proposals you put forward this weekend. We will not be moving Adelaide into our room and moving ourselves into the office just so you can have the room to yourself. You guys just got your own room, now you want more? Also, unfortunately we cannot turn your bedroom into a bedroom/playroom, and we cannot switch the office and the playroom just so you don’t have to go downstairs to play. I’ll tell you what, if you really want, we can take away the freaking playroom and turn it into something I would like, like a quiet study or music room or game room. You’ve already taken over half the house and 98% of our lives.

And don’t think you are in the clear, my dear Adelaide. Yeah, I know sometimes you are feeling a big grumpy and ouchy, but you don’t have to whine about every-single-freaking-thing when we go for a walk. There is no way you are tired after 5 minutes of walking, and I swear to god you just make stuff up to whine about to make sure none of us are having a good time. It is just as bad as when you are going to bed and make up stuff every 3 minutes to call us up about, though last night was ok (yeah, that’ll last). You are a lovely and sweet girl, but you sure go out of your way to be a whiney and annoying girl sometimes. Would Bella Swan ever be like that?

Ivy, oh lord ivy. Yeah, people say ‘it is ok if you keep it under control’, but that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Of course everything is good if you have it do what you are supposed to do, but even if you ‘keep it under control’ ivy will spread and do bad things. THERE IS NO GOOD THING FROM IVY. Whatever previous owner who planted it was a complete freaking idiot, and I want to thank them for destroying part of the brick on the front step, a good chunck of the fence (it WILL need replacing), and god knows how much of the siding will need to be cleaned and gone over. Why not just plant kudzu? I’m sure it is fine if you keep it under control.

You know what else bugs me about the house? The showers. I hate the showerhead upstairs (haven’t tried it downstairs yet), the damn thing drains slowly, and I still haven’t found real soap in the boxes (one that isn’t freaking ‘moisturizing’).

Oh, don’t think you get off easily wifey of mine. I know you don’t mind the showerhead, but I’m gonna change it when you aren’t looking, just like you do with furniture and other stuff around the house. And I know you have baby fever, no matter how much you might deny it, try to hide it, or say things to the contrary.

And finally a big middle finger to all the governors who are meeting this week and complaining about the whole budget problems they have. You know what? You might have to raise taxes. Yeah, I know, taxes are evil, but YOU NEED TO. No, legalizing gambling isn’t the solution (this is to my idiot governor, who only looks good if compared to the previous one). Cutting education isn’t a solution. Don’t complain about ‘unfunded mandates’ like those aren’t things that you should have been doing already. Just stop being stupid and do what you are supposed to do, even if it is unpopular. Listen, people hate taxes and might vote you out of office for raising them, but boo-freaking-hoo.

Hey, was that good? Now can Laura get back to posting things that are all goodness and light and sugar and spice and happiness and rainbows and shit like that?

Teddy Bears Picnic

If you go out in the woods today

You're sure of a big surprise.
If you go out in the woods today
You'd better go in disguise.

For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

Picnic time for teddy bears,
The little teddy bears are having a lovely time today.

Watch them, catch them unawares,
And see them picnic on their holiday.

See them gaily dance about.
They love to play and shout.
And never have any cares.

At six o'clock their mommies and daddies
Will take them home to bed
Because they're tired little teddy bears.

If you go out in the woods today,
You'd better not go alone.


It's lovely out in the woods today,
But safer to stay at home.


For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic


Every teddy bear, that's been good
Is sure of a treat today


There's lots of wonderful things to eat
And wonderful games to play

Beneath the trees, where nobody sees
They'll hide and seek as long as they please
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.